The Fluffy Archives

Dear Fluffy,
I have a problem I don't think I've ever seen in your column. I am a beagle, and ever since I was a puppy I haven't felt very doglike. I dislike fetching or playing with the frisbee, I despise going hunting with humans, I'm not interested in hanging with other dogs and sniffing their behinds, and I can find no earthly reason to wag my tail. In fact, I am much more comfortable in the company of cats. I've even gone so far as to try to imitate them, which includes licking my fur, playing with string, and trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to climb trees. Once when I tried to purr, the humans thought I was sick and took me to the vet. What am I to do?
Signed,
Trapped in a Dog's Body

Dear Trapped,
For those who do not feel they belong to their species, life can be trying. Your problem is not dissimilar to German Shepherds who want to be Poodles or Siamese who believe they are Tabbies, except that your condition is far more serious. Your letter does not specify whether your human companions preferred the company of cats to dogs when you were young, which could have given you an inferiority complex. No matter what the cause, you should seek therapy as soon as possible.

Dear Fluffy,
I am a long haired cat and my fur mats up like you wouldn't believe so that there are big ugly clumps of fur strategically placed over my body. When my human gets done using the scissors on me the results are just as bad. What should I do?
Matted in Denver

Dear Matt,
You neglected to tell me whether you are an indoor or outdoor cat. Sometimes that makes all the difference in the world. If you're an outdoor cat, many cats find that "wild, outdoorsy" look quite sexy. Fluffy has a friend who certainly does. However, if you live indoors, there are numerous fur care products that can help. Ask your salon professional.

Dear Fluffy,
Every two weeks I go to Petsmart to get my fur done. How much should I tip the stylist?
Sissy

Dear Sissy,
Nothing. You're a cat. Just purr.

Dear Fluffy,
I am so sick with grief I can barely write this letter. I just lost the last of my litter to the wheels of a Buick. Now I have no children left. All five are gone, three to automobile accidents, and two because they liked to curl up in warm engine compartments. And I can't have any more kittens! Farmer Bob took care of that last month. Fluffy, if you can, tell every mother out there to keep her children away from warm engines and roadways.
Anguished in Iowa

Dear Anguished,
My heart goes out to you. I had a cousin who lost many a kitten to a Ford V-8. Eventually most of her fur fell out and she became a catnip addict. When I last heard from her, there was talk about putting her to sleep. Before this happens to you, get help from a qualified therapist. Please.

And for you other mothers out there, I cannot stress enough the importance of education. Even if you don't live on a farm, with all its inherent dangers, there are fast cars, boys with M-80's, and drunken macho humans with guns who are pathologically malevolent toward felines. You must warn your kittens about talking to strangers, as well as teach them to look both ways before crossing the street. If you don't believe me, read the next letter.

Dear Fluffy,
I was play with my friends out back of the barn when a drunken redneck came up to us with an enticing piece of chicken. Naturally, Skeeter and I made for the tall weeds (because we didn't like the smell of him), but Puffball was too taken with the chicken to notice. When she reached the redneck, he grabbed her and twisted her neck, chuckling with glee as he did it. Then he ate the chicken himself. I'm now suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and in therapy, but I still have terrible dreams. How can humans do this?
Twice Shy

Dear Twice,
Some cats just don't use the brains they were born with. It's sad to see it when their lives end in such a senseless manner, but as I keep telling my readers, it's a dangerous world out there. There are psychopathic humans out there, as Fluffy well knows. I have been accosted on many occasions, and if it weren't for my superior skills at running, hiding, and climbing, I'd be a goner for sure. The most frightening incident occurred a few years ago before I got my radio show, when an irate drunken farmer came at me with a pump action shotgun. Fortunately I smelled danger and was able to duck into a crawl space until he lost interest. We should always remain vigilant to the fact that the world can be a dangerous place.

Dear Fluffy,
This may seem like a trivial problem to you, but I just moved into a new house in a nice neighborhood and I want to do a lot of entertaining. However, I am at a loss to what's proper and what is not. Perhaps you can help.
New kid on the block

Dear Block,
Fluffy does a lot of entertaining too, and whenever I'm stumped I turn to the Meowtha Stewart Book of Entertaining. It's chock full of helpful hints for every occasion, such as keeping little potpurries around the house filled with your scent in order to make your guests feel welcome. However, Fluffy knows a few things not covered in Meowtha's book. Always have plenty of Pounce and toys available for your guests, and keep the water dishes filled. And if you're serving catnip, always, I repeat, always have a designated driver.

Dear Fluffy,
I am a male mixed-breed cat who is in love with a lovely Persian kitty who doesn't even know I exist. If I could only get her out of the house, I could sing to her the love songs that are deep within my heart, but she won't even look out the window when I'm there, much less meet me out by the fence. I've even left semi-disemboweled sparrows out on her doorstep to show my true love for her, but she turns up her nose in the air. There are times I think she's playing hard to get, but my co-workers in the rodent control industry tell me she thinks she's too good for the likes of a working stiff like me. Tell me Fluffy, do I have a chance?
Heartbroken in Hoboken

Dear Heartbroken,
This looks like Romeo and Juliet all over again. If you really want to get depressed you should rent that video. It's the love story between two members of warring families, the Meowtagues and Catulets which ends ultimately in the lovers' tragic deaths. Don't let this happen to you! Any cat that would turnaway a freshly killed sparrow probably isn't worth your devotion!

Dear Fluffy,
I've been reading your column for many, many years. Your advice to us felines is always short, good, and to the point. About 10 years ago, you ran a short poem about kicking those "sticking ones rear in the air when scratched" reflexes. I seem to have missplaced it. Can you run it again?
Cookies and Cream

Dear Cookies and Cream,
My research staff had a little trouble with your request, but after much gnashing of fangs they finally located the column to which you refer. When your human reaches down to pet you, simply recite this little ditty to yourself:

When being scratched upon the back
Be careful that you take this tack
Don't wave your hiney in the air
So folks can see your derriere

Dear Fluffy,
Around April of 1997 I was vising a fellow feline from the neighborhood and her human roomates started asking me to stay over for a couple of days. The problem is when I go back home, my humans seem really distraught but excited to see me. So I stay a couple days at each house because I don't want any hurt feelings. I feel like I'm leading a double life...Do you have any suggestions?
Winston

Dear Winston,
You don't mention your age, but Fluffy is going to assume that you are relatively young and still struggling with issues of dependence and that sometimes overwhelming temptation to succumb to a regrettable trait which all we felines share, curiosity. While Fluffy sees nothing inherently wrong with cats cultivating lots of human friends who will give them treats and a place to sleep, bear in mind that your primary humans are the ones who provide your healthcare benefits, and you are right to consider their feelings and sensitivities, however silly. And also, Fluffy has heard more than one anecdote from cats who have been held captive by unscrupulous humans, (just because they offer Tuna does not mean they can be trusted), and one particularly sad story where a cat returned home after several weeks of summer vacation only to find his humans had moved to another state without him when he couldn't be reached. While this lifestyle has been successful for some cats, it is not without its dangers, so be judicious.

Dear Fluffy,
Lately I have found myself feeling very anxious because I keep thinking I've forgotten to cover up in my litterbox. Sometimes I have to go back numerous times to check. Also, I find myself worrying more and more about cleanliness and spend many hours each day performing tasks of personal hygiene. These activities are beginningto interfere with other demands on my time and attention. What's wrong with me?
Tabby

Dear Tabby,
You are displaying some of the symptoms of FOCD (Feline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). This is a condition best treated by a professional. Great strides have been made controlling the symptoms, and with medication (Purrzac) and therapy, there is no reason to feel that you cannot get these impulses under control. Talk with your veterinarian.

Dear Fluffy,
What makes you think you're so smart???
Signed, King

Dear King,
My very high SAT scores.

Dear Fluffy,
My human just married a man with TWO dogs. Do I have to put up with this???
Sign me,
Disgruntled Esther In Simi Valley

Dear Esther,
Yes, unless you can find enough ways to annoy the new man in her life (and your home) so that he will want a divorce. Try hawking up a furball in his slipper, for example. Use your own imagination. After all, you are a CAT!

Dear Fluffy,
Boy am I steamed! I went to the Vet two days ago, and, well, to put it as politely as I can, Something's Missing! Not only have I been cranky and miserable, but all my friends I've talked to say that when the intitial pain goes away I won't ever feel that spark of passion again. Let me tell you, this is going to put more than a crimp in my social life. I'm so mad I've got half a mind to claw up the good sofa. What makes people think they can get away with this, and can it be reversed?
Signed,
Missing a Couple of Things in Tennessee

Dear Missing:
Listen Buster, if all you can think about is the crimp it puts in your social life, neutering isn't the only thing the Vet should have done to you. Do you realize how many unwanted kittens there are in the world thanks to Toms like you? You should be ashamed of yourself, and thankful that you aren't able to run out on another litter of offspring. If you want to hear about a real problem, read the next letter.

Dear Fluffy,
Ever since I was declawed I'm not the self assured cat I used to be. I feel so helpless, especially when Rex (not his real name) growls at me. I used to be able to put him in his place with a rake of my claws on his nose, but now I'm reduced to climbing on the refrigerator and cowering. What can I do?
Signed,
Scaredy

Dear Scaredy:
Declawing is an issued encountered by many of my readers. Unfortunately, your problem is compounded by the fact that your household includes the aforementioned Rex, which could prove quite dangerous to you. Normally, I'd advise you to leave that situation, but if you can't find a home that is free of Rex and others of his ilk, my advice is for you to try Lee's Press on Claws. They come in a variety of fashion lengths and colors, and can be used to deter Rex from his cruel abuse.

Dear Fluffy,
I am a single, short-hair female in my fours who can't seem to find a date. I live in the suburbs, so there's no shortage of males, and I know my appearance isn't a turnoff. I wash myself regularly and eat those little biscuits that are supposed to keep my teeth clean and my fur nice and shiny. What am I doing wrong?
Signed,
Perplexed in St. Louis

Dear Perplexed,
Mabye you aren't doing anything wrong. Sometimes it's not your fault at all, and all you need to do is keep trying. But if I were you, I'd take a good look in the mirror (without submitting to the urge to bat at your reflection) and see if you're doing everything you possible can to be all the cat you can be. If you still can't seem to find that someone special, send for my pamphlet, "Fluffy's Dating Tips."

Dear Fluffy,
There's a five dollar bet riding on this. I say dry food is better for you. My husband says that canned is better. Who's right?
Signed,
Finicky

Dear Finicky:
You are.

Dear Fluffy
My boyfriend licks himself in public. It doesn't matter where we are or who we are with, whenever he gets the urge, he just lifts his hind leg and goes at it with his tongue. What can I do?
Signed,
Mortified in Memphis

Dear Mortified:
This is a problem that is not uncommon. Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about it if he doesn't respond to gentle prodding. If you intend to stay with your boyfriend, you will probably have to live with it. As the old saying goes, you can clean his fur, but you can't take him out.

Dear Fluffy,
I've been reading your column for years and I have never seen a problem like this before. Whenever I'm in the middle of something important, such as a job interview or big date, I always seem to get a furball and spend embarrassing moments coughing and hacking until I leave a little mess on the carpet. What causes this problem and can I find help for it?
Signed,
Concerned

Dear Concerned:
What you are suffering from is known in the veterinary circles as physiomatic stress response syndrome. You have been conditioned to cough up furballs as a means to remove your focus from important events. You should seek therapy to eliminate this problem, as well as try some relaxation techniques an hour before your date or interview in order to relieve any anxieties.

Dear Fluffy,
Why do cats have nine lives and dogs have only one?
Signed,
Spot

Dear Spot:
We need 'em.

Dear Fluffy,

Are you single?

Meow,
Fluffy

Fluffy, Ruler of All Usenet
http://www.shore.net/~fluffy
fluffy@meow.org

Dear Fluffy,

While I am very flattered, I want you to know that my staff withheld your letter from me for several months, because the last time I received one expressing romantic interest, I disappeared for a three week fling. But alas, to answer your question, I am a widow. My fourth husband, Boris, died tragically several years ago in an unfortunate skiing accident. Thank you for your interest, but I'm afraid no one could ever take his place. But I'll keep you in mind for my next life.

I am a ten yr old male cat living in a house hold with three other kitties. one of them being another male. I'm not sure if this is normal behavior or not, but he has been trying to have 'relations' w/ me for over two months now. My human tries to stop him, but he won't leave me alone. We are both neutered and he doesn't try this with the two females in the house. Please help!!

tigger
ginseng@orion-online.com

Dear Tigger,
This is a difficult situation, since it seems that since you must live together, you don't want to hurt his feelings. Try letting him know gently, but firmly that you are not interested. If he still doesn't get the message, slap him firmly up the side of the head.

Dear Fluffy,
On Christmas Eve my owner gave me an early Christmas present of catnip. He held the bag to give me a sniff and I went wild! I shoved my face into the bag and pigged out. Before he could get my head out I already ate quite a bit. I'm not too sure but my owner thought I was hallucinating and basically, well, stoned. I was meowing slowly but with a high pitch (which I don't normally do) and I was staring off into space. Was I basically as he put it, "stoned"? Is there any dangerous effects from over-use? Any addiction? Should I be eating it or smelling it? Thanks.

Moonie

Moonie