GUIDED IMAGERY: Mental Birth Control

Condoms are notoriously unreliable and many women are uncomfortable with the potential long term side effects of oral contraceptives and intrauterine devices. For those of you who are unwilling to spend money on products that are potentially unsafe and may not work, we have formulated a safe and effective family planning solution using the powerful effects of Guided Imagery.

Before commencing sexual relations, both partners should take a moment, a few deep breaths, relax, and visualize his sperm and her egg as repelling magnetic poles, or that the sperm have bad breath, smelly armpits and generally unspeakable personal hygiene.

Men should visualize their sperm as being exhausted, hungover couch potatoes watching golf on a Sunday afternoon. Visualizing their sperm attached to a ball and chain also works well.

If, however, the male partner is unwilling or unable to participate in the visualization process, the burden once again falls on the woman. During sex, the woman can visualize her cervix with a moat around it, filled with hungry great white sharks. Some women have experienced great success visualizing the egg as being encased by an inpenetrable stone wall, guarded by sentries armed with hand grenades and AK47's, fending off an army of pillaging and plundering invaders. One method that invariably works is for her to visualize her egg as wanting a commitment, and the sperm will immediately sense this and swim at lightning speed back into the penis.

Using these creatives visualization techniques, a couple can easily discard harmful or iffy at best birth control methods, and save a few bucks in the process.

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