Ask Fluffy (In Memoriam)

Beloved feline internet columnist Fluffy has passed away after a brief illness just 3 weeks past her 136th (in cat years) birthday. When asked to what she would attribute her long productive years, Fluffy said, "Eat anything you like and remain indoors." Preceded in death by her mother, Mamma Kitty, four siblings, two companion canines and two husbands, Fluffy stopped eating a few days before her death and requested a compassionate euthanasia rather than suffer the indignities of incontinence, being unable to enjoy heavy whipping cream and egg yolks, and the inability to jump up on the sofa. To those of us who knew her true genius, she will be sorely missed . . . and really deserves a day of national mourning, complete with a 21 furball salute. The countless cats she helped with her advice and mentoring must keenly feel the loss. I'm sure that treats and catnip mice no longer hold the joy that they did to these cats before her passing. As to the human companions who knew her best, what can we say? Who ever saw a cat type that fast? We know that there is sadness and pain, but we can all rest assured that her nine lives were not in vain. In lieu of flowers, please send catnip to the cat rescue organization of your choice. Below are some of the latest questions Fluffy has answered in her illustrious career. Also check out the linked archives.

I have worms, and my owners don't notice my constint MEOWS and claw stracthes in the rug, I have done everything I can to tell them. They don't even seem to be catching how much more I've Been eating... HELP!!!

Signed Guster going to heaven


Dear Guster,
Sometimes humans don't take care of their own health needs, let alone those of their loved ones. Short of a petulant, they'll be sorry when I'm dead, which frankly, doesn't do either of you any good, you could try waving some red flags in front of them in hopes that they'd at least call the vet, if not pay a visit. One good trick is to leave all your food in the bowl. I know this sounds weird, but humans hate it when anybody doesn't eat, so they're apt to take action. Of course, their first choice might be to go out and change your brand of food. However, any behavior you display to tell them you're not being yourself will certainly help.

My cat (Tiffany) thinks she owns the world, and is ruler of us. Not literally, but you might know how some cats act. It get really annoying. Especially since she thinks shes perfect anything she does do wrong, shedosn't take in and does it again.

signed Tifanny's slave


Dear Alexis,
Gosh, I thought everyone knew. Cats DO RULE THE WORLD, they NEVER do anything wrong, they ARE perfect, and if humans have to put up with being enslaved in order to get a few crumbs of attention and affection from us, it's because that was GOD'S plan, not ours. Sheesh.

dear fluffy,

i love scaring my mom & she just doesn't think it is as funny as i do...i like to jump up on the top of her bedroom door and jump on her head when she walks into the room. she is always hollering at me & tries to make me feel can i make her understand i'm just messing with her??


Dear Socrates,

It is a very dangerous game you're playing. Sometimes "messing with" can be misconstrued as dementia or outright hostility. Pay particularly close attention to anything that sounds like, "Socrates needs to be put to S-L-E-E-P." If you should hear this, you'll know that you've definitely gone too far.

dEar FluFFy,
i tHinK i HavE a WeiGHt proBleM. EvERyOne IN mY FaMily CaLls Me jeLly-rOlL oR ChrIS fArLEY BecAUse i haVe A faT BeLlY. It IS nOT mY FauLt. WhY Do They teASe Me aND CAll mE fAt wheN tHeY arE thE oNes wHo KeeP feEding Me mY faVoritE foodS LIke peaNUt buTTer anD rAISins? mY GiRlFriEnd MoLLy haS nO intereST in ME AnymOre eITHEr, WheN I tRY to bE roMAntic WitH her, She seEms to Be More inTeresTed iN eAting than iN me....DO you ThiNk shE haS aNother Man? ShE does Spend moST of ThE tIme OutSIDE, oR Do You ThiNK iT is mY WeigHT?


It Is Me Truman Again...I Just FoUnd ouT some BAD news. My Girlfriend Molly Has Had Kittens, and THEY ARE NOT MINE! What Do I DO????PleAse ANSWER....Call Me DeSpirate in MicHigan!


Dear Truman,
Do not be overly concerned about your weight. This just means that there is more of you to pet. Without making gross generalizations, Molly sounds like a little tramp. Good riddance.

What can I do to keep wild cats from making a home in my garden shrubs?

Dear Michael,
Apparently you do not have a good relationship with the homeless feline population in your community. A less self-centered approach would be to visit Pet Smart and install a few free shelters in your yard for those less fortunate than you.


I like my cat box meticulously clean. If I urinate in it just ONCE or if Uncle Walter does...well...I just won't use it! I would much rather find a convenient fresh spot on the living room carpet. I have had two boxes in the house but that won't do. As soon as Uncle Walter or I use that one I'm right back on the carpet. Naturally I won't let the humans see me. It seems to embaress them and they yell! They have even put smelly stuff around but I'll just keep finding someplace new. How do I make them understand that this shouldn't be a problem??


Dear Samantha,
This is such a good question. Fluffy wishes more of her readers were as well-prioritized with their questions as you. Humans are so very particular about their carpeting. However, I think you are asserting yourself in a way that has always worked for you. You know that if you go on the carpeting, your humans will immediately clean it up, whereas they feel free to ignore the litterbox until Uncle Walter fouls it completely. If you continue this particular approach, your humans are just liable to decide that one cat in the household is plenty. And it won't be you. Relax your meticulous standards. It's not worth the hassle.

Dear Fluffy:

My cat hardly ever cleans herself and rolls aroung in the dirt like a dog. I know comparing a cat to a dog may sound affendind, but I do not exagerate this staement. Sometimes I have gpt my cat a little wet so she is forced to lick herself clean. I do this not to torture but for well-being and health. She also looks prettier because of this, and I know she likes that. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing/


Dear Disturbed,
Most humans labor under the misconception that all cats are fastidious about cleanliness, and usually this is true. But, like humans, we cats all have our sense of style. In some feline circles, the casual outdoorsy windblown look is considered quite attractive. Perhaps your cat is just trying to keep up with the current fashion trends, and may resent your efforts to force him/her into accepting your standards as to what is attractive. I know you think that you are being helpful, but Fluffy thinks you should lighten up a bit. As I'm sure you are aware, most cats do not like water, and you wouldn't want yours to interpret your helpfulness as abuse. This could create problems with his/her sense of worthiness and self esteem.

Dear Fluffy

I know you, I know I do, from somewhere familar!!! Oh yeah remember, REMEMBER!!

I know you from CatNipsAnoumous!; for addicted and helpless felines!

That must have been my cousin Simone.

Dear Fluffy,

I just bumped into this page, and I think that you are a very intelligent feline, just like I am *Meow*
BUT the thing is, I have a small problem here, maybe you can give me some of your valuable advice?
I am VERY hairy... so hairy that I leave my fur all over the place! and since I'm all black, it tends to look ridiculous on my owner's carpeting and floor...
My owner does not seem to like this (I don't want to put her down, she's the greatest!). So as a result, she takes me to this beauty salon thingie and gets my hair done!! I look ridiculous with a Lion Cut! I'm not a lion, and I shouldn't look like one!
Worst part? SHE seems to like it....

Uncomfortably Naked

Dear Naked,
Try to go easy on your human, she probably honestly thinks she is trying to help keep you more comfortable. Try some kitty affirmations such as, "I am an attractive cat" or "The fur does not make the feline" or anything else that will help you feel better about yourself until your fur grows back. Sometimes we must humor our human companions in order to keep the peace.

dear fluffy,
i was just wondering if girl cats hear things different than boy cats do? i am a girl cat (nice name, huh?) and my sister & i react to sounds differently than our brothers do. we play & chase each other around when we hear certain higher pitched sounds or other cats meowing while our lazy brothers just sleep. thanks for you help.


Dear Lawrence,
It's not that girl and boy cats have differences in hearing acuity. It's just that boy cats are too lazy and disinterested to care. Wait until they here a girl kitty in heat. That will perk them up.

Dear Fluffy,
We are anxious to know how to get two unaltered female felines to get along. One has been here forever, the other is a new arrival. We have not get had the courage to put the two of them in the same room together. Will they just fight it out or come to a mutual understanding?

June Baxter

Afraid of Cat Fight

Dear June,
I think the best approach in dealing with cats can sometimes be reverse psychology. Tried forbidding them to associate. This will virtually guarantee that they will become the best of friends just to annoy you.

hi fluffy
i lost my bf will u be mine


Dear Molly,
Well Gosh, I suppose I could, but I'm a female and a spayed female at that.

Dear Fluffy,
I am a 10 year old Tabby that lives with my owners and a cute little 2 year old female Siamese named ³Cookies and Cream² (Not her real name). Lately, whenever ³CC² gets amorous and wants to cuddle, I develop the intense need to cough up a hair ball. As you can imagine, it really ruins any spontaneity. Do you think that I am just getting up in years and can no longer return such affection, or do you think that it could be something more serious? Have you heard of any developments for a feline Viagra? Thanks for the help, your great!

Embarrassingly Inadequate

Dear Inadequate:
10 years isn't old. If you've every read the autobiography of Morris the Cat (They Call Me Mister Finniky) you'll see he was still howling at the fence at age 13. And this was before Viagra! Your problem sounds more like a psychological one than physical. Answer these questions honestly. Do you wash yourself excessively in order to look attractive (this could be causing the hairball)? Do you find yourself pulling in your belly whenever you see Cookies & Cream look your way? Do you have a tendancy to brush your fur the opposite way in order to cover a bald spot? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're trying too hard to impress her. Just relax and be yourself. Show her around the neighborhood. Take her to your favorite tree or fence. Visit some prime spots for rodents. That will impress her more than anything else. However, if your feel your problem is more physical than psychological, see your Vet. Your health care professional can decide whether you need Viagra much better than Fluffy can.

dear fluffy,
i am a three yr old tiger striped tabby cat. when i first came to live w/ my mom i was only five weeks old (kinda young i guess, but i was abandoned & needed a home). when her friend was bringing me to her house, i got out of the box i was in and climbed under the dash board. my head was stuck in the air conditioner hose for a few hours (they thought i was just scared & that i would come out on my own). now, i am a very skiddish girl around most people, except my mom...she is the only one i like. was i affected by this? can i get over it or will i always be this way??


Dear Fluffy,
I am the owner of a 5 year old Golden Retriever.(That's a dog, if you hadn't guessed) Well, there's this "stupid" cat that lives down the street that has a death wish. Although this cat knows that Brewster would love to have him/her (I've never checked) for dinner, he/she keeps coming over to visit.What in the world could this cat be thinking? I am really getting tired of saving this cat's skin. Is there anything I can do to stop him/her from doing this?

unlikely cat protector

Dear Grace and Protector,
We cats are very much like human beings in that we all have very individual personalities. Some frighten easily (hence the term "scaredy cat") and some really enjoy living on the edge and find the adrenalin rush exhilarating. And often we do not understand what motivates our humans, either. When I learned that my human once jumped out of an airplane, I too wondered what on earth she could have been thinking. And then sometimes she can be a real wuss about things that I find absolutely ridiculous, like harmless little spiders and disemboweled mice. I think the answer to both of your questions can be expressed in one simple phrase: who knows?


I have a cat who uses everything in the house for a litterbox, but the litterbox. I keep the box clean, change it often, put it in a place where he can easily find it, etc. But, he still uses the couch, my bed, chairs, piles of laundry, whatever, to do his business.


A discouraged cat owner

vicki spinelli

Dear Vicki,
This is always such a tough issue. You didn't say how old your feline companion is, but some cats simply take longer to outgrow this than others. Also, if he was one of the cats who grew up outside, it could be you are trying to impose a level of civilization on him to which he will simply be unable to adjust. Another explanation could be that he does not feel secure in your home, and this is his way of "marking his territory" to make himself feel better. Permit me to suggest that you sit down and have an honest, heart to heart talk with him, in a nonjudgmental way, to see if he will tell you what the problem is, and perhaps you can allay any anxiety he might be feeling with gentle reassurance. I hope this helps.

My family plus like ten other neighbor kids were on our way to church. Our old Ford Station Wagon had a 400 with an Edelbrock Torker II package, 850 cfm Edelbrock Carbs, Headers, glass packs, and a complete lack of fuel economy. All this probably has a no bearing on your life at this point. However when all of the children (90% of which were young girls) piled into the BadWagon, my dad fired up the 395 hp Ford. The problem was, a kitten had taken refuge next to the chrome alternator bracket. Nothing really happened till we got out into the fresh white snow, when a zzzzzzz-fwumpafwumpafwumpa-raaaaaaaraaaaaa-tunktunktunktunk. Not only had the young cat found the fan belt, but also them fan. As all the young girls in the car began to sob my dad picked up the forlorn beast from its puddle of red on the bright white snow.

I had seen this drama before, I thought as my dad got the shovel form the carport and picked up Mimi. Simultaneously all the small kids in the car (many of whom weren't even family members) began to wail, "Papa, you won't kill it will you?"

"Um, no," he said staring at the obviously in pain kitten, "I just want to take it back in the back yard and make it feel better."

We nearly believed him until he turned the corner, and in the still, cold mountain air we heard an un mistakable DONG of a shovel descending on a previously biological object.

Before reading your advice, I thought that our betrayal of Mimi was rare. But now I can heal knowing that others have seen this happen also.

Our cat is 5 1/2 years old. She is very smart and has always been very conscious about her appearance and cleanliness. However, she is extremely petrified of strangers, being a stray may explain some of that. Anyway, we have had her since she was about 5 months old, and have never had a problem with her using her litter box. Back in May we had some major work done on the outside of our home, and recently after that, we notice she was urinating upstairs, out of her litter box. Our vet thought that maybe she could have been very nervous and her routine was out of wack, so I could understand that. We confined her to our utility room in the basement with her litter box when we were gone, for a few days, that seemed to help. Recently, she started going upstairs again, on the carpet!! We tore carpet out of one room down to the bare floor (which I hate) and close the door when we're gone, so now she started using the living room. Our vet suggested confining her again, so we started that today, but I'm afraid she will get mad at us and really get even!! We have thought about getting rid of her, but nobody wants a cat that goes to the bathroom anywhere, so we thought about putting her to sleep, but that will break our hearts. We love her to death, but are so flustered with her. What are our options. Do you have any suggestions?? Please give me some advice.

Thank you,
Kris Wilson

Kris Wilson

Dear Kris,
It is very difficult for me to answer these questions without any input from the cat in question, since I am only hearing your side of the issue. Lacking any further information, I can only make the following suggestions: Are you absolutely certain that you are keeping the litterbox in a state of pristine cleanliness? This is an issue for many cats - which you would certainly understand if you were required to tromp through your own previous waste products anytime you needed to relieve yourself. Another possibility is that your cat suffers from stress incontinence. Does this occur when she sneezes or coughs or laughs with too much enthusiasm? Lastly, it is possible that she is beginning to recover repressed traumatic memories about some experience during her months as a stray. Have you discussed this with her? I wish I could be of more help - but I am merely smart, not psychic.

Fluffy, I have a pink suade jacket that was beautiful at one time before the kitten sprayed it and though I've had it drycleaned, the pesky pee stains wont budge. If you have any suggestions as to how I can wear the jacket without the embarresing stains let me know, signed,
Pissed Off in Pink..


Dear Pinky,
Remember that it is possible that the kitten was making an artistic statement which obviously was lost on you. The only way to recover from your faux pas is to have your kitten pee over the rest of the jacket thereby allowing her to retain her dignity yet achieve a subtle yet distinctive pattern of pee stains on your jacket that is more pleasing to you.

Dear Fluffy,
My sister & I got adopted by a nice lady in a nice home. I know to be good but sis does a lot of things she shouldn't and sometimes I can't help but join in and then we both get in trouble. Why do I always get punished and sis doesn't get punished til I join in the fun?


Dear Him,
I think this is because there is a very fine line between "Gee isn't she cute" and "Those kittens are driving me crazy"! I think some assertiveness classes might very well be in order for you, in the hope that you could develop the "leader" facet of your personality. Then when sis joins you, she'll realize what a difficult position she had been putting you in.

Dear Fluffy:
How come my human companions like to sleep at the most inopportune times
(like when I want to play) and yet when I am deep into one of my dozen
or so naps they barge into my dreams and wake me up? How rude! What can
I do to limit this kind of behavior?


Dear Frisky,
I have cured my human company of this unpleasant behavior in a very simple, yet effective way: I claw at her bedroom door eactly every 13 minutes beginning at 4:17 a.m. (This gives her just enough time to nod back off to sleep). She will let me do this precisely four times, then she will flounce out of bed to come and stop me. I am always in another room. Try it - it gets the message across wonderfully.

Dear Fluffy,
My people friend and I like to play bat the mouse underneath the door in the bathroom. I'm getting pretty good at it. Do you know of any leagues I can join?


Dear Athletic,
Fluffy has always been greatly disappointed by the lack of organized athletic activities for cats. If your community has no "Bat the Mouse Under the Bathroom Door" leagues, perhaps it's time you start one. I'm sure you'll find no shortage of interested cats. Try running an ad in your local paper.

Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?


Dear Placemat,
Don't tell anyone, but cats don't really LIKE the flavor of mice. We only ever actually eat them out of absolute necessity. We much prefer solid white tuna packed in water or cheese puffs.

My cat Athena whines at night when I go to bed. She wants me to come and sleep on the couch with her, I think, but I want her to come and stay with me in the bedroom. How can I get her at least to stop whining?


Dear Marta,
Fluffy thinks it is highly likely that Athena does not consider your bedroom to be her territory yet. Try spreading some of her favorite treats on the pillow, and also some of her furballs so that the place you sleep will be saturated with her scent, then perhaps she will join you. Does Athena like to sleep to the television? Try moving it to your bedroom as well. If none of these methods work, you'll just have to move to the couch.

Dear Fluffy,

Recently I've been experiencing constipation, among other digestive
problems. My neighbor recommends that I eat grass as a laxitive and cure-all, but my Vet has prescribed some expensive medicine that has my
human companions spelling out words when they're talking about me in my
presence. I'm really concerned something is up, especially on the heels of that emergency appendectomy I had a month ago. Do you have any advice
for me?

Concerned in Pasaic

Dear Concerned,
Perhaps it's time for you to get your affairs in order.

dear fluffy,
i have a feral kitty i adopted, er he adopted me, and i've noticed that he doesn't like whistling. he has given me a scar on my eyebrow and even charged my car when i whistled at him. can you explain his strange behavior, i just don't know what to do when that stupid whistling wal-mart smiley face comes on the tv, it sends him in a furry!
fearless feral feline's owner

a j

Dear Fearless,
This is a tough one. Does you kitten watch TV with you often??? If so, then you'll just have to obtain one of those devices that turn down the sound for commercials and hope this helps. If even very QUIET whistling affects him/her the same way, then you'll just have to give up television until Walmart moves on to a new commercial.

Dear Fluffy,
I am a Persian and have the most humiliating problem. After using the box, sometimes I can't, well, get rid of it all! Little bits of poo get stuck to my tail hair and then my human mom has to comb it out which is embarrasing and painful! Any ideas?

ps- especially worse after those yummy cod liver oil capsules.


Dear Wingnut,
This is a very common problem among long haired cats. Sometimes when I have scrambled eggs with Salsa, I even get it myself! A friend once suggested holding your tail in your teeth while using the litter box, thus keeping it out of the way. Aside from this, there are no easy answers. Better to let your human remove it than do it yourself, however. It's very difficult for cats to use a comb, and the alternative isn't very palatable.

I have two questions.Whenever I pee on the carpet in front of my master {to make it smell better} he gets angry.Second,I think he loves that smelly,infected creature called a dog more.What should I do?

Fluffer the great

Dear Fluffer,

The answer to your first question is a no-brainer. Humans lack the subtle appreciation of the rich, aromatic, natural scents in life. Do not expect this to change.

About your second question, Fluffy well understands your problem because she too must share her dwelling with one of those obsequious, fawning, suck-up toadies that would stop at nothing in their groveling to obtain a crumb of attention. But do you really want to sink the the level of a DOG? Fluffy is nauseated at the thought. Just remember that only the most discerning of humans appreciate the mystery and depth of the cat personality.

Dear Fluffy,

I had 6 babies 3 weeks ago, we are doing fine except some of the babies are having a problem with their eyes matting up. My owner tries to keep them clean with warm water washes but it dosen't seem to help much. What else can she do to help them???


Dear Tabitha,

If your owner is too cheap to make a run to Pet Smart to find the proper medication for your babies, Fluffy suggests that you call around until you find a pet shop that makes deliveries. I'm sure your owner would be too embarrassed to send them away once they were there.

Dear Fluffy, I am a kitten. young and full of hair...I am meowndering the use of that greesy goo that keeps the hair from piling up on the toungue and causing one to hack till you throw up what looks like another kitten. My question is, do you prefer the beef or chicken flavor??? Let me know will ya...

Hacking in Honalulu

Dear Hacking,

Fluffy recommends the chicken.

Dear Fluffy,

My people brought home the most annoying little thing that calls it self a cat. This happened about four years ago. THis cat did not bathe itself, had terribly scroungy fur, and was just planly sad looking. Out of the kindness of my heart I taught this cat to bathe and act like a proper kitty should, but all she ever does is wait around the corner and pounce on me. I am sick of this!! I don't want to play with her. And now she has the nerve to do discusting things such as reliever herself in the house. Doesn't she know it is only proper to go in the neighbors yard?? What can I do about this annoying thing that I have to live with??


Dear Missy,

Sharing our homes with other cats can be trying, especially when they don't live up to our lofty standards. Perhaps the two of you should consider some joint counseling. If this isn't possible, Fluffy suggests telling her how you feel, in a gentle nonjudgmental way. If she is indifferent to your efforts at reconciliation, then claw her eyes out.

Dear Fluffy,
My owner, a 15 year old pervert, always walks around our house naked and then he wants me to sit on his lap. He has this creepy smile on his face and it kinda freaks me out. Is this normal? How can I get him to realize that I'm not into that kind of thing? I'm a cat for godsakes! Please help!!!


I really need my problem solved!!!! I don't think I have much time left...he will be home tonight. HELP!!!


Dear Felix,

Good grief, you mean it hasn't occured to you to put a stop to this nonsense once and for all? You're a CAT with CLAWS - try a little "bat the mouse". I guarantee you his lap will be off limits from then on!

Dear Fluffy,

My little brother and I happened to be watching the comedy channel
yesterday and felt compelled to write to you about a bit done by
Gallagher which we felt was very insulting to cats everywhere. Mr.
Gallagher was making fun of how we cats are picky eaters and yet lick
our butts in order to perform our hygienic ablutions and then made some
insensitive crack about making butt flavored cat food. We found this
deeply offensive. After all, we could use his pants leg or the sofa to
clean ourselves, but choose instead to use the only other means
available to us to keep clean. Any ideas as to how we can band together
and put a stop to this flagrant species insensitivity?

Him and Her Burt

Dear His and Her:
I too have witnessed the aforementioned Mr. Gallagher and agree that his
remarks are crude and offensive. However, I have not allowed myself to take
offense at them because I am constantly striving to reach a higher spiritual
plane. We must also put it in persepctive. His comments are tame compared to
what I recently saw on the television which looked like someone flinging a
cat out the window. This is the kind of species abuse in the media which must be stopped!

If this doesn't help, you will do well to remember that our butts are
cleaner than his mouth.

why do boy kitties have nipples


Dear AJ,
This is one of those questions that have been plaguing philosophy students ever since there have been philosophy students. Other questions that belong to this "catnip party" series include: Are planets really God's furballs? or other questions of that nature. However, these questions have little importance when one is waiting patiently at the mouse hole, and in fact may lead to distraction, causing the prey to escape. Therefore, older, wiser cats have mainly decided to get on with life and consider those possibilities on days when they can sit uninterrupted on a sunny windowsill.

Hiya Fluffy... great column. I'm Maxwell, aka King Max, Maxwell Relaxwell, Snaxwell, and sometimes Attaxwell the Hun.
I've been running my kingdom pretty happily for about 4 years. My subjects are mostly obedient, and they have learned that adoration of me takes precidence over any other activity when I say so. My problem is the lack of variety of food in my kingdom. I have sent scouts far and wide, but they can only return with 3 varieties that I'll eat. I want more choices! Cat Chow, Meow Mix, and that unfortunately named Urinary Tract Chow, or whatever it's called. Once they returned with some Lamb and Rice crap that was straightaway used as ground cover in the kitchen. They got the point. I have no interest in canned food, unless it's the REAL tuna with the dolphin-safe emblem- don't give ME that chum made from fish anus! And I feel my intake of dry food is the secret to my glorious coat (I'm of the Longhair Tabby line). I insist that a different variety of dry food be presented to me each week. How can I enlarge my royal menu? Thanks, Fluffy, and thanks for the pics on this page. (I think I got a crush!)


Dear Maxwell,
Fluffy has insisted that the menu in her home be expanded thusly: american cheese; egg yoke daily; mayonnaise to keep her coat healthy and shiny. To add variety in dry items: pretzels; crackers; cheese nips and cheese puffs (Frito Lay, of course); and popcorn. And of course I must have some occasional teriyaki beef jerky. And as you are no doubt already aware, stolen food tastes the best.
P.S. Fluffy hopes you do not flaunt your superiority too much in front of your subjects - not only is it unseemly, but sometimes tends to instill a degree of stubborness in less intelligent humans. Also, flawless grammar and punctuation. Do I remember you from Purrdue?

I can't believe you even NOTICED me at Purrdue! I was such a kitten!
At least now I can apologize for the pigtail in the inkwell stunt. I had no idea you didn't eat pork. I had just transfered from Me U., and was trying a little too hard to fit in at Purrdue. I still announce nutrition break with the Me U. alma mater, which is, y'know, basically just "Me U." over & over. But it's catchy, and I slam dance into the legs of the peasantry while I sing it. It keeps them amused alarmingly easy feat, I find. Freaking them out is of course looked down upon, because it's just too easy, but may I suggest using the phone answering machine? I was punching buttons at random one day, and recorded myself singing the alma mater. No big deal. I forgot about it seconds later. But the food-and-brush biped... I never remember its name... I call them all Merp, for my own convenience... he was talking about it for weeks! He has no idea the things I do... even under his nose! For instance, right now, he's at the keyboard, being distracted by my handsome face bumping into his, while I type this message with my back legs and tail. Ah, well another day, another contact. I'm very flattered you remembered me, and I hope we can stay in touch via e-sniff.
Your friend,

 Maxwell Relaxwell



Dear Neil,
EWWWWW! Fluffy well understands your dismay at such rude and unpleasant treatment at the slovering jowls of a DOG! She too must share her abode with one of these disgusting creatures who is always trying to sniff her butt. Fluffy obtains a small but gratifying measure of revenge by occasionally peeing in his food dish. It isn't much but may make you feel enormously better.

my question has two parts...
1. is there a web site that lists hotels/motels that allow your kitty?

2. if a cat, held upside down, will land on his feet when dropped and a piece of buttered bread always lands butter side down when dropped, then... if you strap a piece of buttered bread, butter side up, on the back of an upside down cat and drop him will he go into a perpetual spin that he will never come out of?

 aj lenahan

Dear AJ,
These are both interesting questions. I have one for you. If a cat were to strap a piece of buttered bread on your back and push you out of a window, how would you land? As to the motels, is your feline companion thinking of taking a vacation?

Do cat have color patterns on their skin to match their coat colors?


Dear Gloria,
Absolutely not.

why does my cat hump all the furniture?


Dear Dave,
Perhaps you aren't giving your cat enough affection.

Do you think kittens would perfer a covered or open litterbox better?


Dear Jessi,
This is a question best discussed with your young feline companion personally. Fluffy prefers an open litterbox. This makes it easier to fling the litter out on the floor to relieve tension and express displeasure.

Dear Fluffy,
What can be done for my constipation? Can I safely take an over the counter something or should I see a vet? I'm really having a problem and need your help. Thank you, Trouble


Dear Trouble,
There are natural alternatives to over the counter meds. Personally, I find that I always get diahrrea after a little milk. Have you tried this? If this doesn't work, have your human contact the vet. Perhaps he can give you some advice without an actual office visit. You know what they do with those thermometers.

Dear Fluffy,
My owners are putting me on a diet cause I'm fat. I am hungry...this just isn't working out for me. You think I can trade my owners in for someone who feeds me. I like being fat, fat and happy. ^.,.^ *meow*

 hunger pains

Dear hunger
It is always so unfortunate when humans try to impose their standards on we cats. What's wrong with being horizontally gifted? Fluffy herself has put on a few pounds since she was a svelte kitten. While this turn of events may be distressing, it may not be necessary to trade in your owners for new ones. Cats can be very inventive when it comes to sneaking food. This is as it should be. Many foods eaten by humans are quite delicious. Simply create a diversion in another room at meal times, grab the tastiest thing on the plate and run. Good luck!

Sassy has recently started pulling hair from his coat. Why?


Dear Sassy,
This is undoubtedly due to FOCD - Feline Obsessive Compulsive disorder, and calls for a visit to the vet. Please see the archives (link above) for an in depth discussion of FOCD. This isn't something that can be cured without professional help!

Where can I find a picture of the kid on the teriyaki marinade commercial?

 Jordan Weber



Dear Readers,
Fluffy will not answer questions that do not pertain to members of the Feline Persuasion.... Her time is more productively directed toward other endeavors.

Meg, (momma cat) has three kittens all about 6 wks old. They are wonderful kittens, but, they aren't using the litter box at all. Shouldn't Meg be teaching them? They are pooping and peeing all over the place. I think Megs milk may have started to dry up early and I had to introduce Gerber baby food. Is this why? HELP US!!!!

 three kittens a once abandoned mommy and the human who found her

Kind Reader,
Meg is just being a gentle and understanding mother. She knows that eventually, the kittens will choose to make use of the litter box on their own and in their own good time. After all, how many cats aren't box trained before they go off to college? This is the time for a little patience on your part.

            Dear Fluffy,
I have heard by two persons with various European cats, that cat personalities are almost the same among cats with the same colour. They say that white cats have one personality, different from orange cats, black cats and so on. However each colour seam to have the same personality.
I ask if this is true and if yes which personality goes with each colour?
Thank you very much !


Dear Antonio,
This kind of thinking is smacks of "breedism" and is avoided at all cost by thinking cats.

I think I am pregnant. I did get sprayed. I dont know what to do. Should I have an abortion? I dont want kittens.
SHe She


You need counselling, girl. Even though the pregnancy wasn't your fault, Fluffy can't answer whether you should be allowed to have the kittens. Will
they be able to find a good home, will they live with you? These are all issues that you need to answer for yourself. Fluffy would like to also mention that it might be a wise idea to find another vet before these
kittens are born.

Dear Fluffy,
Just got a plant of catnip. Can't get enough of it, love to rub my face in it. Is it addictive? Will it make me fat? Am I going to throw up? Should I keep it in the house or hide it outside away from my pals?

 sandman @aoL.COM

Dear Sandman,
This sounds like you have problems with substance abuse. It is one thing to enjoy catnip, it is another thing entirely to squirrel it away and hide it from others. You need to ask yourself these questions. Do I want it? Do I need it? Is it interfering with my social life?  Has it ever made me so out of control I couldn't catch a mouse?  Does it make me overeat? If you find yourself answering yes to these questions, you should think about a 12-step program.

I have three new kittens and I have provided a kitty box for them but they insist on doing their urinating and such on my bed....what do i do?


Fluffy is growing very very tired of answering poo poo and pee pee problems for human companions of cats. Read through the column and you'll find many many answers to these questions. Sheesh!

Why do male cats suffer so many urinary tract & kidney problems?


Females of all species seem to enjoy better health than their male counterparts, don't they? Maybe it's the pussy cat prostate. Ask your vet.

Hi, I am just wondering if a cat gets pregnant by her brother, will the kittens be born normal?
Thanks in advance,


Don't worry. Unless your cats inbreed to the extent of european royalty, everyone should come out fine.

my neighbor cats use my son's pea gravel play area as thier toilet. i do NOT like to use alot of chemicals. my son is two and still puts things in his mouth. i've become so frustrated that i will NOT let my son play in OUR backyard anymore. i am seven months pregnant which make clean up of the poop even more difficult. what can WE do?

sincerely, trapped

 trapped in the house

I have answered these questions ad nauseum. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Do you know of any natural laxatives for cats?


I've been using the WalMart brand of cat food called maximum nutrition...they seem to have discontinued it and I need to find another source of this food (I really like it and other foods upset my stomach)! Does the manufacturer distribute the same food under a different name? Help!


Dear Clover,
Have you tried writing the manufacturer directly? If you find that you are unable to find the exact same cat food under a different name, permit Fluffy to suggest Alley Cat. Your human won't fret about the bill and it's gentle on the digestive tract.

Will I have sex with a kitten again. Small furry and tight!!!! Help me I'm married to a dwarf with no social life.

 Richard Hover


Dear Richard,

You are a sick puppy, aren't you? Fluffy will not dignify your rantings with any further response.

What makes my cat whine and cry day and night almost without let up? She recently had kittens which I gave up to the Humane Society when they were 11 wks old. She searches for them constantly and cries all the time, but she used to cry even when they were here.

 Evelyn Fort

Dear Evelyn,
It sounds to Fluffy as if your feline companion may be clinically depressed. It is a little known fact that some cats can become suicidal, so don't take her expressions of dispair lightly. She is probably badly in need of some grief counseling. Fluffy thinks it's time to call in the professionals. You wouldn't want your precious feline throwing herself in front of a Chevy, would you? Don't take any chances.

what is wrong with a cat if it sneezes and coughs?

i am a female kitten and i cough and sneeze alot! and i dont know whats wrong with me.


Dear Reader,
Sneezing and coughing can result from hairballs or allergies. In either event, they are both normal and no reason to go shopping for that plot in the pet cemetery. However, if you are still worried, see your vet.

I am a very distressed cat in need of some loving. My owners treat me cruely and barely feed me! Should I run away, and if I do where will I go?
Please help me Fluffy! Meeeeeeeooowww!

morgan archie daniels the 3rd

Dear Reader,
Sadly, sometimes it is necessary to vote with our feet. Fluffy wishes all human companions to cats were as loyal and obsequious as her own, but alas, this is not so. As to where you should go, avoid animal "shelters". This is a trick unscrupulous humans use to disguise the fate of many animals who come to one seeking shelter. Fluffy won't go into detail except to say most "shelters" make Auschwitz look like a Best Western. Approach new potential human companions with caution and rely on your intuition when you interview them. Don't move in with just anyone. Good look in your search!

Dear Fluffy:
Please settle a bet for me. I say that Dear Tabby is your twin sister. My friend says she is not. Hurry. A can of Fancy Feast is riding on this.


Dear Beauregard,
Fluffy is surprised that you are the first to ask this question. While one cannot escape the apparent physical resemblance, this can be said of many entirely unrelated cats. However, to answer your question, Fluffy doesn't know for certain. Her brothers and sisters were taken away at the tender age of eight weeks, and no one knows what became of them. The fact that Fluffy shares a birth date with Tabby is tantalizing, but not conclusive.

my kitten has diahrrea, and her anus is real swollen and it is very obvious she is uncomfortable. is there any thing i can put on it, to lessen the irritation?

 Brooke Hunt

Cats like most animals generally lick their wounds to keep them clean and promote healing. Are you up for it????

I am a little female kitten about 10 weeks old. I have this strange habit of sucking my own nipples while I knead myself. Why do I do this? It just started a a few days ago.

Dear Un-named,

Apparently you have been prematurely separated from your mother. Weaning can be a traumatizing experience, I know. If it brings you comfort to nurse and knead yourself, I see no harm in it. If you find your own behavior bothersome, however, try transferring it to your human. It makes them feel all warm and fuzzy, and would likely enhance your position in your human's affections, thus ensuring you will receive the doting treatment all cats deserve.

my head hurts. What shall I do?

Aren't we expecting a little much here? Fluffy needs a little more information. Write again if you survive.

Dear Mr Fluffy

Can you tell me why my puppy chases creatures of your ilk?

Thank you


Dear Sara,

Haven't you noticed that puppies aren't very bright? Unless YOUR puppy is an exception, which Fluffy finds very doubtful, he/she doesn't need a reason. It's just what not very brights creatures DO. No deep dark answers here.

my cat has been peeing on the carpet how can i stop her if i don't my mom is going to get red of her and i can't get anther cat please help i'v had her almost five years please please help i'm down to my last straw help me.



If you've read this entire website you'd know that Fluffy is REALLY tired of answering poo poo and pee pee questions over and over and over and over. Read everthing on this page, and then for good measure, read the archives too. Then, after you've exhausted all of the solutions Fluffy has heretofore offered, at least you'll feel you've done everything you can. (Where's my SCREENER!)

How old do we have to be before we can go to the bathroom without our mom licking us?

oliver and shadow

Probably about thirty-six. (In cat years, of course.)


can worms be transfererd from cats to dogs?


Dear Tammie,

Fluffy is afraid the answer may be yes, but not in any palatable manner. As you may be aware, some dogs, especially the the very stupid ones, have been known to dine in the litter box. Now, those litter covered BM's may look exactly like Almond Rocha, but will most certainly contain parasites if the unfortunate feline depositer carries them. You can warn your snacking canine, but he probably won't listen. Most dogs are not very bright.

do male tabbycats have nipples


Male tabbies got nipples, male puppies got nipples, all God's chilun got nipples. (The mammals, that is).


If you have enjoyed the sage advice given above by Fluffy, you can read more in her archives. The Fluffy Archives

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