Nine Stupid Things Cats Do To Mess Up Their Lives

Never Claw Up the Good Sofa

No matter how much you may feel the need to sharpen your claws, NEVER use your human's new leather sofa! Humans can be ridiculously anal about their possessions, and the chances of obtaining forgiveness if you use one of them for claw hygiene are slim to none, no matter how cute you are or how much you suck up. Some hapless felines have attempted to be discreet and use a corner out of direct sight, only to have their subterfuge discovered, and found themselves at the pound. I repeat! The immediate pleasures are just not worth the long term consequences!

Bringing Home Hunting Trophies

There is no accounting for the sensitivities of humans. While I know how proud you are after you've killed and disemboweled a rodent or some tastey bird, most humans will not accept your gift graciously should you bring it home. Worse yet, if it isn't dead yet, some owners will even confiscate it from you and set it free. Better not to involve your humans in your hunts!

Eating Yarn and Tinsel

Fluffy well knows the self-destructive urges that can overcome careless cats. That yarn and tinsel can look so delicious and inviting! However, inumerable anecdotes have been sent my way about the nasty consequences. One cat started to swallow yarn, and found that it went on and on and had no end! Eventually her owner had to take her to the vet, where he surgically removed a cardigan. And tinsel can cause great gastrointestinal upset. Don't be tempted. I can assure you that you will regret it.

Letting Your Mate Near Your Kittens

He was so passionate when you mated. You never dreamed he would ever do anything but suck up to you. But remember, you were in heat, and THAT almost no Tom can resist. This does not mean that he is ready to commit to a long-term relationship, or take on a family. In fact, once his fun is over, he will very likely kill your litter so you will go into heat again, just so you'll want to mate again right away. I know, it's shocking, but it's true. Tom's can be more shallow and selfish than you could ever imagine! Keep your sperm donor away from your kittens while they are young. He can wait until you're ready for more kittens.

You Can't Outrun A Chevy Blazer!

I know that field across the expressway looks inviting. You may even have friends or business there. But you MUST make sure there are no vehicles coming. Don't play chicken with a Suburban. You will lose.

Warm Engine Compartments are a No-No

It's cold and you've accidentally let yourself be locked out. You feel warmth radiating from the front of the Buick. You decide to crawl up inside, just to warm up a little. You fall asleep. Your owner comes out early in the morning to go to work. He starts the Buick. You're DEAD MEAT! Need I say more?

But I really NEED To Spray The Sofa!

Males are biologically programmed to mark their territory. It's in their genes. But humans don't understand. They think the house is theirs, and that musk on the walls and contents of the room are offensive. If you don't want to find yourself homeless, keep your spraying outside. At the very least, do it late at night, when your humans are asleep, and find an inconspicuous, out of the way place, if you simply cannot control your urges. Better if you let them think it's THEIR territory, and not spray at all. Humans can be very intolerant of bodily functions that seem perfectly natural to you. If you ignore this, you do so at your own risk.

That New Pit Bull Does Not Want To Be Your Friend

We all know cats tend to be arrogant and cocky. It's a feline personality trait. However, as much as we like to think our physical prowess will make us the winner in any encounter, you let your smugness about your agility go to your head at your own peril. If your human brings home a dog that's twice your size, don't think you can bite his tail or his nose and always get away unscathed. Not all dogs are easygoing and take your good-natured teasing in the spirit in which you intend it. Unless you pre-date the dog in your home, and have the opportunity to put him in his place while he's still a puppy, don't expect him to knuckle under. He may be able to run faster than you think possible. And the jaws of a pit bull is no place to find yourself.

Curiosity Killed The Cat

Curiosity can be fatal. Cats are not indestructible. If you curl up in the dryer, your owner could turn it on. (Very painful, I hear.) That cozy little drawer in the basement could imprison you until you starve to death, if no one hears your anguished cries. That construction guy with the nail gun could turn it on you. Are you starting to get the picture? I know it's very difficult, but CURB that curiosity. I know we are intellectually superior, but believe it or not, even we have a hard time getting down from that 200 foot power pole (it's humiliating for us all when some poor soul makes it on the 6:00 o'clock news when he has to be brought down by the rescue squad) and if you jump, although you'll land on your feet, from 200 feet this could be catastrophic. Never ever get yourself into a situation that you are not absolutely certain you can get yourself out of. It's embarrassing for us all, and exceedingly unpleasant for you.

©2012 By Linda Koski

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